Interview

Networking and applying for a job is one of the primary hobbies of business school students because we are absolutely convinced that our balls will implode in misery if we fail to secure an internship.  Your dick size is measured by how many applications you have completed (following that logic, black people would statistically have the smallest penii).

The resume/CV is a fairly important indicator of competence and I have no problems with it.  What I do hold grade AAA filet mignon with is the cover letter and in some cases, the interview:

Cover Letter

The one who pioneered this satanic ritual must have been feeding off their mother’s ass as an infant.  The amount of bullshit one writes on the cover letter could be better used as a blanket for the homeless.  I can understand the need to distinguish one’s application by having a well-written and tailored cover letter; however, advantage is completely diminished when everyone else has a cover letter too.  Moreover, the entirely rigid format encouraged nowadays essentially kills any inspiration and passion I held for the job opportunity. 

How many fucking times do I need to tell you “I would be interested in joining your glorious company of Jesus Christ bathed chocolate rainbows”?  Do I really need to tell you how I demonstrated teamwork and communication skills by “increasing Panda humping by 15%”? 

Apparently yes, because if you impress the employer with your shit-soaked cover letter they will call you in for an Interview

The concept of an interview is perfectly reasonable.  It’s an assessment of your character in real-life and whether you are a good fit for the company culture.  However, there are certain interview questions out there fall under two extremes: they are either completely retarded or aimed at utterly destroying you.  Let us go over some of them:

Why do you want to work here?

In order words, “why don’t you spend the next few minutes gargling my company’s balls”

Tell me about yourself

What exactly are you even looking for with this open-ended question?  No one will tell you that they are really passionate about alcohol and masturbation, so we resort to substituting our mouth with a rectum filled with chicken burritos.  To answer this question, you LITERALLY have to prepare a canned miniature profile detailing how you lovingly volunteer to wash the feet of senior penguins.  Otherwise, you sound like a jilted sack of breast cancer.

Can you tell me a joke?

As a test of creativity this question is about as subtle as a clown with his cock out.  Furthermore, if you resemble me and only know racist jokes then the interview is lost.

What The Fuck?

This section involves those insane questions such as what kind of tree one would be or what type of salad dressing one prefers.  Usually I simply ask them to punch me in the testicles instead.  Apparently these are also tests of creativity, so if you said plain vinegar you would fall under boring in the rubric.  What is the fucking relationship between how I eat salad and my creativity?  If I said “I would be the tree your dead wife is hanging from if I fail this interview” that would be maximum points right?      

This concludes my post and it may be awhile before I blog again, but I wish you all a great reading break!  May a squadron of attractive women (or men) find you irresistably sexy.

2010 Blog Review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,100 times in 2010. That’s about 5 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 13 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 23 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 4mb. That’s about 2 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was April 20th with 196 views. The most popular post that day was Japan.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, fauxtoart.wordpress.com, obama-scandal-exposed.co.cc, healthfitnesstherapy.com, and statistics.bestproceed.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for ryuusenka wordpress, ryuusenka.wordpress.com, beyond the beyond ryuusenka, hot girls fucking men with dildos, and iron man 2 hentai.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Japan April 2010
4 comments

2

Hero April 2010
1 comment

3

Pokemon April 2010
6 comments

4

Monkey April 2010
4 comments

5

Model June 2010
5 comments

Antics

I am back.

I apologize to my avid readers in need of entertainment for my long absence.  I have been busy and lacking in inspiration..until now! 

Today’s post will cover a more political topic: North Korea – The Most Stupidly Hilarious Dictatorship Ever

Kim Jong Il likes to think he is an incredibly magnanimous being carrying out justice for North Korea.  Let’s look at his list of credible achievements:

1. Learned to walk by 3 weeks and talk by 8 weeks
2. Scored 38 UNDER PAR in his first try at golfing
3. Invented the microwave and hologram before the age of 6
4. Wrote 6 operas and 1500 books, all better than any other works in existence

This guy wants to be badass so hard it hurts in his gritty vagina.   

If one has been keeping up with the news, they would know that North Korea figuratively jizzed on South Korea’s face.  Twice.  North Korea (henceforth referred to as NK) decided that blowing up an SK naval ship (and then vehemently denying it) was not enough!  They also fired artillery directly onto a populated island in response to shells from SK falling into WATER claimed by the North.  Similar to a deranged kid wired to an IV filled with pop tart juice, they react to every single fucking thing with a threat/act of violence.  Apparently, this was all done to cement political influence for his son Kim Jong Un (whom we have never seen before).  Given this, I would assume his successor to be pretty hardcore looking shit.  He was recently revealed: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/10/world/asia/10korea.html?_r=1&ref=kim_jongun.  Well what the fuck; that guy’s chins could feed an African family for months.  Then again, his father looks like a ragged scrotum so I shouldn’t be surprised Jong Un’s face looks like a rotund testicle. 

Ironically, NK is also desperately in need of humanitarian aid because they can only afford to feed their people grass.  As such, whenever they require aid they will dust off their suits and begin diplomatic relations (ie, “you give us free food” program) with various countries such as their mortal enemy SK.  The country’s economic resources are spread so thin that if it were served as sandwich filling it would practically just be bread.  Kim Jong Il’s brilliant plan to jumpstart the economy involved opening a tourist resort filled with fun family games for all!  However, the issue arises that North Koreans are simply too fucking poor and have never heard of fun in their lives.  No problem, one of the NK’s primary hobbies is kidnapping South Koreans.  Thus it built the “Meeting Hall for Separated Families”, a resort attraction where once a year relatives of the kidnapped South Koreans can visit their family.  Let us rephrase that, NK is making money off tour packages sold to relatives of those they are holding hostage.

NK tries so hard to be the rebellious kid on the global playground, but fails to see that small, poor, and ugly kids will never be popular.  It’s sad to see when we take a moment from laughing at their retarded antics.  Right, well back to exams.  Good luck people.   

Weary

With my tenure as an intern at ICBCI coming to an end in less than a month, it seems fitting for me to reflect on my experiences in Hong Kong given the entire summer I spent here.

HK always seemed infinitely better than craptastic Canada, it was exciting and full of expression.  In fact it still is, I am not disillusioned because I spent an extended period of time here.  However, HK’s magical appeal has long subsided.  HK remains an attractive destination for shopping and food, which is to say, it is nothing special.  Those are basic prerequisites for any tourist hotspot.  My caveat with the city is that it lacks a significant identity and a deep appealing culture, it feels like a mess.  In this post, I will detail the various elements that made a strong impression on me:

Weather

Let me get this most oft mentioned complaint off the table first.  The weather here is a jewish bag of gay.  Most of the time, I am trudging through a cesspool of humidity, heat, and sweat while donning a suit (you will NEVER get used to the heat).  Otherwise, I am crushed by a wall of rain and thunder.  What is notable is that there is virtually no gradual change from one to another.  The rain here will literally gangbang you.  If rain is God taking a piss, he probably saves buckets of that shit labelled HK and unleashes his glory all at once.  A sensible person would stay indoors during these ordeals; unfortunately the Husky I live with is not sensible, thus I take the holy shower in the face.

Transportation

Transportation in HK is yum.  That is all.

McDonald’s

McDonald’s is AMAZING here.  The highlight of these 3 months is McDonald’s, I am absolutely serious.  Their menu is always being refreshed with new promotions that bring me back every week.  Special dips for McNuggets such as Thai Curry or French Cheese may appear trivial, but are incredibly delicious.  They also have “Shake Shake Fries”, which is literally simple flavoring for your fries.  I will never understand why North America has never adopted this amazing idea.  It’s low cost and adds a refreshing twist to the recipe.  In fact, McDonald’s only needs to provide us with the shaking bag and a pack of flavored orgasm; the customer does the manual labor of actually shaking it. 

The service is smart, given long line-ups employees would electronically input orders of those in line so less time is wasted.  They were also able to make me my Double Filet O Fish, Dbl Quarter Pounder, and Dbl Big Mac at lunch despite the items being supposedly available only after 8pm.  Yet none of this compares to the fantastic price: A full MCD meal in HK averages only $3-$4 CAN!  Erection!

Movies

The sweet caramelized popcorn at HK theaters is possibly the best feature of any movie.  It’s absolutely delicious and does not butter up your hands, like “Shake Shake Fries” it is mystifying as to why none is found in North America.  The booked seating system of HK theaters is both effective and crippling.  While it guarantees seating so that a trip to the movies is not a mad rush of beating the next fucker to that seat, it removes the element of spontaneity.  If a movie is popular, there is absolutely no chance of sudden decisions to catch a movie if there is time to be killed.  I remain bitter about not having watched Inception yet.

Society

It would not be extreme to say that I legitimately dislike a  majority of the HK populace.  This is of course, a hugely ignorant and narrow statement as there are various types of people.  However, there is also a certain homogeniety that defines each society.  For example, jews have curly hair.  Since I don’t like curly hair and other jewish things, I would find it hard to like any jew.  At a basic level, HK society is fast and aggressive, but also crude and capricious:

• When the MTR is full, it means it is fucking full.  Some people do not seem to comprehend this apparent fact, and continue to push us further into the sea of sweat.  Well I sincerely hope the door crushes their penii. 
• Sales staff are highly trained stalkers that specialize in annoying the shit out of you.  Every single item I pick up, they quip “We have various sizes!” or “You can try it on!”.  Thank you for the narration of the obvious, I really do like being pressured when I’m shopping.  Would you prefer a Medium or Large bitch slap?
• Everyone is competing to string together the most massive combo of elaborate swearing in the loudest voice possible.

On a deeper level, HK society permeates with a lack of responsibility and direction.  They are mainly engaged in superfluous trending with little care for consequences or the future.  Some may envy this carefree lifestyle, but it’s also selfish and immature.       

Trend

Trending is probably the defining aspect of life in HK and it’s mostly an alienating waste of time.  People are constantly following a trend regardless of whether they have any actual interest in what is trending.  While it is different every year, this year it happens to be Photography, Promotional-Models (what we call Lang-Mo), and a stronger homosexual tendency in Men’s fashion.  It is admirable for one to have a genuine interest in photography, but this is not so in HK.  These trends are inspired by celebrities and other forms of media and spread incredibly fast.  In the end, these trends fade and the idiots who participated are left with high-end cameras they wasted thousands on and will never use again.  It’s okay!  By then they would be too busy playing with high-end unisex chocolate dipped dildos endorsed by Jackie Chan!

Lang-Mo cater to the sex starved population of HK.  They are now invited to every major function to stand around eliciting all sorts of perverted responses.  There are actual modelling schools that teach you that the 47 degree angle of sticking your ass out generates maximum hardness.  I’m generally fine with the concept of Lang-Mo; there can never be enough hot girls on display.  However, I do feel sympathy for those frail and generally pathetic guys that are relied upon to buy the pin-up books and life-size pillows (some guy humped his Chrissie Chau pillow so hard he DIED LOL). 

What I do take issue with is the increasingly gay fashion.  Every year I come here the guys dress more femininely until this year it’s literally full blown lack of testicles.  There are supposed men dressed in TIGHTS and HEELED GLADIATOR SANDALS.  That is not quite the worst of it, there is the oh my fucking god style where you see a guy with nothing but a shawl and shoes on.  I did not forget to mention the pants, there were none to be seen.  If you attempted to visualize this and are male, your balls have undoubtely shrank and I apologize.

It shouldn’t have to be said that these things of course do not apply to everyone, but is prevalent enough to leave a significant impression.  A vacation here for 3 weeks is decent, any more and it becomes irritating.  Start working here however, and a giant flaming gaping shithole will open wide and make pancakes (with no syrup) on your face.  I always aspired to head to HK or China after graduation given Asia’s potential, yet HK no longer presents an inviting future but rather a wall that tests my resolve.  Canada may be monotonous, but I cannot wait to return.

Toys

I haven’t posted anything given the way work has drained my brain to the point that it is hemorrhaging shit.  Regardless, I feel obliged to write a quick review of Toy Story 3.  Surely, this heartwarming and complete film is immune to my rage; I would somewhat agree.

Before talking about the actual film, I would like to talk about 3D.  Ever since Avatar was released, more and more films have been stapling my bloody eyes with the technology.  It appears these dicks forgot Avatar was FILMED in 3D rather than having it glued on like a third unnecessary testicle.  No one likes 3D, least of all those of us already wearing a pair of glasses.  The concept is as intuitive as a swimming pool made of concrete.

The third and hopefully final installment in the franchise brings everything together to create a cohesive and touching movie.  Andy is heading off to college and has long stopped caring for his sentient toys in favour of video games and porn.  Bringing only Woody (the cowboy) with him, Andy proceeds to store the rest of his beloved toys in the attic.  Shit happens and they end up at Sunnyside Day Care instead!  My caveat with the “shit” is that it is nothing more than a simple misunderstanding that forces 90 minutes of plot up your ass.

Sunnyside Day Care appears to be a great place with plenty of friends and finally a sense of belonging for the toys who have been neglected for years.  Naturally, all is not as it seems as Andy’s toys find out they are essentially fodder for the little pricks who don’t know how to play.  Woody returns to the daycare to stage a prison break for his friends and return to Andy before he leaves.  The film has been rather stale and predictable up till this point; however, it salvages itself with superb execution and an emotionally rewarding ending.

The finale is a miniature epic that demonstrates loyalty, friendship, and sacrifice in its purest ideal; one that deeply appeals to us in its sincerity.  The story also invokes a sense of nostalgia for precious things from the past that we may have given up as we matured.  Unfortunately, the film lacked the sense of fresh creativity present in other Pixar films sporting original concepts because we are already familiar with Toy Story.  Its imaginative characters and premise no longer amaze us.  Given this, it would be prudent for Toy Story 3 to be the last entry in the series if Pixar wants to avoid being slapped with armpit. 

In completely unrelated thoughts with the potential to ruin your movie, various questions come to mind when watching Toy Story 3:

1. How would Woody and friends react to Andy’s sausage wrap?
2. How would Buzz and Jessie go infinite and beyond into the Milky Way of ecstasy?
3. What happens when you snap the slinky dog in half?

Verdict: 9/10

• Finale +15
• Toy romance -1
• 3D -3 (see what I did there?)
• Familiarity -2

Model

I’ve been terribly busy with work in HK, but I managed to squeeze this post in on the job.  There is an oncoming trend that makes absolutely no sense: ”plus-size” models.

A quick google search for “pigs” turns up: http://www.skinnyvscurvy.com/hot-models/elle-france.html.  Did they have to print that on plus-size paper to fit her?  What a waste of a magazine issue.  The premise of plus-size models is to promote a more realistic and healthy image of the female.  Is that what they call healthy nowadays?  Her thigh (note the singular) would rip my fucking pants.

Why are women suddenly embracing Uncle McDonald’s diet program?

The dispute here appears to pertain to how current models are far too skinny and lower the self-esteem women.  The dispute here actually pertains to how fat and mostly white women are attempting to redefine beauty in their own image of obesity a la god.  Most likely out of sexual frustration.  Personally, I prefer models who do not destroy the catwalk during the walk.  How the fuck is that ”beautiful”?  That bitch can’t fit in the goddamn chair.  Guys don’t like  that; we like gravy on our steaks and fried chicken, not our women (well…maybe).  These potatoes somehow conclude that the media is screwing with our perception of beauty rather than looking in the plus-size mirror, thus they roll around in public protest and force magazines to waste massive amounts of space on them.

Skinny girls are perfectly fine, they spend less time wallowing in self-conscious pity and more time having sex.  I’d say that’s rather healthy.  If models aren’t to sell their amazingly fit physiques, are they going to sell personality instead?  Perhaps, but then no one would care anymore.  The act of replacing a hot model with some fat woman does nothing but sooth and reinforce the culture of obesity so common in America.  It’s like substituting the cream in a creampuff with dog shit.

However, obese women do have their function in society; this has become incredibly apparent to me during my time in Hong Kong.  The issue being that HK is rather hot and presents ample opportunity for walking, also known as exercise (NO WAI).  As such, most girls look pretty hot from behind, inviting one to look into the maws of their face.  Despite knowing of this deadly trap, it is quite common for men to fall for it regardless.  This hazard is mostly diminished in populations where obese girls roll in numbers because they are guaranteed to be unattractive, thus we can safely ignore their existence.

Ultimately, I do not condemn you for not having the physique of a model.  That’s why it’s a profession.  I’m sure your parents still find you mildly attractive even if you look like pimpled ass.  Unfortunately, this sentiment does not translate to the general populace when you put that ass on a magazine.  Also, if you actually Googled “pigs” you are retarded =D

Stereo

Gaming is the fastest growing entertainment industry.  This grandma plays video games http://oghc.blogspot.com/, she is cooler than you.  Unfortunately, there is STILL a “if you have touched a video game controller, you have not touched a boob” stigma attached to the activity.  

Fully convinced of this, some wad of dick has launched a fucking service where one pays women to play video games with them (http://kotaku.com/5499552/would-you-pay-women-to-play-xbox-games-with-you/gallery). 

It’s like prostitution without vagina, that’s no good.  The “PlayDate” will chat with you and let you look at her on webcam while you play games and awkwardly flirt.  Afterwards you get to rate the girl on her “hotness, gaming skill, flirtiness”.  Since lonely gamers find watching a girl play virtual checkers incredibly orgasmic, the rate of $8 for 10 minutes is totally worth it!

In terms of awkwardness, this is probably on the level of a men’s room conversation with a stranger in the very next urinal, while he is taking a crap in it.  Creepily oggling girls should be  free, like porn.  GameCrush is flirting in the same way that a dog biting off your dick is technically foreplay.  Sadly, some very pathetic people must be using this service as it has over 12,000 PlayDates…some of which I am assuming are actually men.  Girls take note, instead of slaving away as a waitress you could roll in bricks of cash for playing a bloody game. 

This service was built off a decade old mischaracterization of gaming; in fact, 2/3 of today’s online gamers are women, they refrain from announcing this because the rest of the players are drunk on tits and puberty.  Make it known you are a woman in any game and you are suddenly worshipped with offerings.  By doing this, we only reinforce the image that gamers are either 15 year old douchebags or lonely virgins.     

These mischaracterizations go beyond the anti-social gamer.  Take the view that Western cultures must appreciate macho men.  Given this, every single game and action movie must portray a man with 10:1 bicep to penis ratio as the protagonist.  Sometimes a nigger gets tired of the fried chicken and wants fried beef instead.  Why not offer more alternatives? 

This post isn’t really done, but I tire of it so use your imagination for the rest.

Ironman

I realize I have mostly shafted the other categories, so here is a review of that movie every sheep has watched: Ironman 2!

There may be spoilers.

The storyline mostly consists of explosions, Tony Stark being a giant dick, and Scarlett Johansson erecting the fuck out of everyone’s dicks.  There is a vague revenge plot against Ironman somewhere in the film muddled with the apparent threat of death from living off Palladium in your chest.  Nothing is very convincing however and is obviously an excuse to conduct mass collateral damage and shove boobs in your face.

Ironman 2 relies heavily on eye candy to keep one’s interest, constantly presenting new visual elements that alternate between hot girl, robots, and things blowing up.  It also likes to fast forward past parts that make sense.  MANLINESS!  Yet in its quest to keep the viewer entertained, it ends up dulling any real impact on the audience; personally, any attempt to recall the details of the movie only invokes an explosion.  This is unfortunate when I am writing a review since I don’t end up with much material left over from constant brain explosions.

What I do recall is War Machine because he is shiny.  War Machine also has more guns, which is clearly a subtle reference to the black guy having a bigger penis.  There’s also this evil Russian guy in another Ironman suit, unfortunately Russian English sounds like putrified asshole so the entirety of his significance was lost upon me.  With all these suits and robots, it becomes difficult to regard the original Ironman as anything special.  Perhaps this was intentional, but a key element of superheroes is their unique position and unbelievable circumstances.  If anyone could be Ironman, what makes Tony Stark special?

Regardless, I attended the movie expecting nothing more than explosions and am thus completely satisfied.  Otherwise, it really blows (I am witty).   

Verdict: 6/10

• Scarlett Johansson +3
• Robots + 3
• Explosions +3
• Shit -3

Confirmation

I am currently on hold for the UBC Sauder line and have been for 50 minutes.  During which I could have driven to UBC and blown up their offices instead.

Since I am a patient and peace-loving person, I decided to wait and reflect on how much I hate being put on hold.  The mind-numbing waste of time is guaranteed thus there is no point in discussing it.  One would assume however, that organizations would have enough decency to make the process of “holding” pleasant.  Unfortunately, it is akin to dry masturbation on concrete.  The music is great, it’s like scooping spoonfuls of shit into your ears and then swirling it around repetitively.  I do this voluntarily by staying on the bloody line. 

The worst offense is perhaps the pre-recorded voice that tells me every 5 mins that I am still on hold.  It’s the same message with the same female operator taking the same shit on your face.  You could include different types of voices and messages, I was simply dying to hear a male voice tell me I’m still on hold.  You could also shut the fuck up, what is the point of the recording anyway?  Why yes, I am fully aware I am still puking my balls out in boredom, thank you for confirming it!  The cruel recording flashes cake in your face and then drops a massive metal cockcrusher on you repeatedly till it’s nothing more than a used Kleenex.

It seems society at large likes to think people are retarded, thus they respond by also acting retarded so that no one is left out!  Equality is great.  The first step is to confirm every action we make, somewhat like the loser who repeats any humorous statement because obviously that makes it twice as funny.  They are also twice as likely to get punched in the face.  There are various ways to confirm what we do:

Make sure – When I walk to a save point in a game and press the button to save the game, one would assume I want to save my fucking game.  Not so!  They must confirm with me: Would you like to save your game?  No, what I really wanted was a kick in the balls.

Buy more – When making a purchase, cashiers often attempt to upsale me by politely asking whether I “need anything else”.  Well actually, I was looking a pair of tits, which aisle would I find them in?  I totally did not realize I needed some till you reminded me!

I like – Facebook is the most amazing self-esteem booster for those who have incredibly boring lives.  This is mostly instigated by idiots who “Like” everything they see.  Status Update: I am taking a shit.  Creep likes this.  OMG YES!  My shit was enriched!  I’m glad you confirmed it *wipes brow*, I was afraid no one would believe me!  I know!  I should post more about my life because everyone just confirmed that it is very cool!  Watch this: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/513707

So I ended up going out for tennis instead of waiting for the motherbitch to get on the line since I was so pissed my voice alone would have blown his brains out.  I’ll be heading to Hong Kong soon for work.  Since the weather is rather hot and digusting there, look forward to more posts where I detail my hate.

Hero

Having been pushed into a state of extreme irritability by two exams that consecutively took place at hours in the morning I did not realize existed and then having this amplified by coffee nausea, I decided to relax with some Nintendo DS on the bus afterwards.  Thinking I would try something new, I opened up “The Legend of Zelda” and in the ensuing 5 mins went Super Saiya-jin 3 and destroyed the bus with my exploding testicles.  Why?  Just cus!

Here’s fucking why: You assume the role of Link, the sexually ambiguous hero who wears a green dress with white tights, and sail the seas with Princess Zelda reincarnated as a pirate captain.  In her stupidity, she decides to go investigate a fabled Ghost Ship that has been the source of disappearances on the sea.  Of course, it appears, and disregarding the warnings of her crew she jumps on-board and is immediately captured.  In the chaos that follows, she comes to Link in a vision imploring him to rescue her.  SERIOUSLY?  Why didn’t you stay in the fucking kitchen?  Did the ominous setting that guarantees danger not register in your cognitive blank?

Hey look, it’s a GIANT PIT OF RAPISTS?  I wonder what would happen if I jumped in!?  Oh shit, I’m getting raped, NEVER SAW THAT COMING!  SAVE ME HERO!

Videogames by definition require that the player assumes the role of the hero.  That is perfectly fine in itself if they give you a good reason to save these motherbitches.  Unfortunately, that is not the case, the prime example being Princess Peach also known as the worst woman in videogames.

Mario is the most unlucky prick I’ve ever encountered throughout my life.  For 30 years he busted his ass saving the bitch, and what’s he got to show for it?  Some cake and a stale kiss on the cheek; Peach has led him on for 30 bloody years.  Literally bloody.  “Think of the hundreds of millions of people who have played Super Mario games. And then multiply that by how much you think they suck at them. Mario has died that many times.”  Mario has been burnt alive by lava.  He has been eaten raw by giant flying fish.  He has fallen to death 50 million times.  He hasn’t gotten laid.  On the other hand, Bowser has been pumping out children; has no one in the Mushroom Kingdom questioned where they come from?    

Supposing that Mario is a naturally chivalrous plumber, one (who has yet to undergo puberty) can perhaps claim that he rescues the “damsel in distress” out of the goodness of his heart.  Anyone who has played Super Smash Bros. would tell you that Princess Peach can actually kickass.  If Bowser tries to grab her, she can literally glide over his slowass FOREVER.  Or perhaps she could SMASH HIS FACE IN with a golf club.  Her ass does more blunt damage than a truck up your ass.  So why does she let herself get “captured” by Bowser?  To have an excuse to fuck him like the slut she is. 

Videogames don’t always require that you save the Princess though, sometimes you have to save the world.  Usually from either Russia or China (rather than the Taliban) for no particular ideological reason besides them being giant dicks.  The problem with these scenarios is that you’re literally the only one doing any actual saving while your comrades run about scratching their balls till you complete the mission!  Here’s the mission briefing: You kill everybody while we sit around and cover you by eating our pubes.  You lot are about as effective at saving the world as chicken pie is at dieting my dog.  At least chicken pie tastes good.  Yes, I’m looking at you Modern Warfare 2.  First person shooters often tell you to take point.  Suck my dick, did you see what happened to the last guy who took point?  His ass cheek is smeared on the adjacent wall and that’s ALL THAT IS LEFT.  Why don’t YOU shoot down the fucking helicopter, I’d like to take a break from having 8 bullets go through my head. 

So what is the point of this post?  It was actually a commentary on the workings of capitalism in the pro-life setting of Christianity and its effects on poverty.  (Don’t get it?  Watch Southpark: http://tvshack.net/tv/South_Park/season_14/episode_2/)  You will not be getting your 10 minutes back.